


Double Vision

by iknewaman



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Rimming, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 05:20:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iknewaman/pseuds/iknewaman
Summary: Spock Prime knows that no matter how many similarities this universe’s Jim Kirk shares with his own, they are not the same. But when Jim comes to him seeking comfort, there is little he can do from resisting his desire of being with Jim.But is he happy with his choice?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not nor will I ever own Star Trek.

Spock Prime’s heart hurts seeing Jim Kirk young again.

His smile is so bright, and his eyes thin and get that mischievous glint that always made the captain’s face look more childlike. Even his facial expressions are the same, and that cuts Spock deep.

He knows how Jim’s going to change in the future. He knows how his hair is going to curl and darken, and he knows exactly where his most prominent wrinkles will be etched into his skin.

But that’s still for several years to come.

“You know, I didn’t imagine that this would feel as scary as it does.” Jim says, straightening his uniform. In a few days’ time Starfleet will announce him as the captain of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_ , and he will be known as the youngest person to be appointed a starship captain in Starfleet history.

Spock will be witnessing the very beginnings of Captain James T. Kirk of the starship _U.S.S. Enterprise_.

He feels his heart clench at the similarity this event shares with his own past. On some level it feels as if Spock too will be joining Jim when he gets appointed, and together they will embark on their adventures into deep space as if they were young men again. But Spock needs to remind himself that this is not the case, and this is not his universe. 

He knows Jim Kirk will be a great man in this timeline too, because there is no other option for him. Jim Kirk was made to be splendid.

“Some fear is welcome, as long as it does not overpower your mind.” Are Spock’s words of comfort, and they cause Jim to quirk his lips up in a crooked smile.

“That’s some pretty wise words there, old man.”

“Old men are notorious for their wisdom.”

Jim grins, and shakes his head fondly, lips pulling into his cheeks.

“You have the same smile as the Jim Kirk from my timeline.” Spock comments, eyes never straying from the man before him.

“But I’m not your Jim Kirk.” Jim finishes for him, his smile melting away.

Spock inclines his head. He’s extremely intuitive this one.

“What was he like?” Jim asks, curious. “I know you can’t reveal anything about the universe you came from, but you could tell me what he was like, can’t you?”

Spock takes a moment to consider Jim’s request. “I suppose there is no harm in sharing.” 

Jim smiles at him encouragingly, his eyes flashing with interest. Spock takes a moment to collect himself, then starts with, “He had hazel eyes.”

Jim waits for him to continue.

“Jim was… an exceptional being.” Spock recalls. “He had his flaws, as all of us do. He was much too passionate about certain situations involving Human ethics, and diplomacy would evade him at these times. He became rather confrontational, but it would always be solved with words as opposed to fists. He was prone to laughing at his own jokes,” Jim quirks his lips at that. “And he was abysmal in the mornings. He would not be in working order until a yeoman had brought him his coffee. Still, he was someone who cared deeply for his crew and friends. Once you had earned the trust and loyalty of Jim Kirk, he loved you like no other, and it felt as if the sun shone on you.”

Jim looks at him closely, his gaze mournful. “You miss him.”

Spock’s lips stretch into a smile. “That would be an understatement.”

“Did you love him?” Jim asks quietly.

“In many ways.”

“Did he love you back?” Spock deems it appropriate to remain quiet, and so he says nothing. But Jim presses on. “He had to, right?”

“That would be too much for me to reveal.” Spock states calmly.

“He had to.” Jim stresses. “You’re too amazing to give up.”

Spock blinks at Jim, and lifts an eyebrow. Jim’s expression shows that he truly believes what he’s saying, that tight, convinced look Spock is so familiar with clear on his face. Jim doesn’t actually know Spock as he is, this old man from somewhere far, far away. He only knows of his younger counterpart from this timeline, and perhaps they had accomplished something momentous to bring out this devotion in his future Captain. 

What Spock does know though, is that he is not the Spock this Jim thinks is deserving of his praise.

*

Spock is boarded onto the _Enterprise_ which will take him to the planet that is to be New Vulcan, and there he will help start re-building the new colony. It takes almost three days, but they make it there without any hitches. The starship is unable dock on the planet as landing docks have yet to be built on New Vulcan, and so the captain, the first officer and Spock, have to beam down to the surface.

The first thing Spock registers when he materialises on the planet is the heat. It’s a strong, dry heat, not suffocating like the deserts of other planets he’s visited. It’s extremely similar to that of Vulcan’s. Taking in the surroundings, Spock sees great rolling sand dunes, the wind whipping at it and leaving behind traces of its touch. There’s only one sun, but it had been too much to hope that this planet would have two suns as well. Very few do.

The planet does remind Spock of the old Vulcan he knew, but there’s something slightly off about it that doesn’t make it feel like home. Spock wonders if his younger counterpart feels the same.

The city, if it can even be called that, is still in the process of being built, and so they had been beamed down slightly outside in the desert. A shuttle greets them there and takes them to the edge of the city where they immediately get to work. His younger self disappears off to tend to business with their father, and how odd it is to think that their father is still alive and younger than him in this universe. Jim has allowed his crew free reign if they wish to explore, but almost everyone has chosen to stay on the ship as they have not been granted permission to offer assistance down planet.

Jim has opted for helping Spock Prime move into his new home, who has revealed that he will from now on be going as ‘Ambassador Setok’ as to keep his identity hidden.

“I’m still going to call you, Spock.” Jim says.

“For you I will make an exception.” Spock tells him, and he can see how the man’s eyes light up with joy at the remark.

Spock’s new home is similar to a small Earth cabin, but it is made entirely up of a mud-like substance and water. Spock doesn’t mind the makeup, as the technique used required very little of the materials that would be better suited towards building the city. Jim wrinkles his nose at the cabin, but decides not to remark upon it.

The inside shows more detail than the outside, and Spock finds that he has several essential things already in place for him. He goes to pack up his meagre baggage in the bedroom, a small, sparse room. 

Jim chooses to take a gander around the room, poking at random objects set up around the place and dragging his fingertips along the mud walls. He looks down and sees that skirting boards have been installed in, which is odd, but perhaps they help keep the base of the wall from crumbling. Once Spock is finished unpacking, Jim offers to clean the skirting boards and goes in hunt for a kitchen towel. 

“Surely you have other places to be.” Spock tells him as he follows after.

“Nowhere else I’d rather be than here.” Jim grins, opening random drawers. Spock knows it to be a lie. “Besides, I’m very familiar with this brand of loneliness.”

“This brand, Jim?” He asks.

“Being surrounded by people and still feeling lonely.” He clarifies, still digging around the kitchen. “I’m not like that anymore, thankfully, but you know… it’s not a great feeling.”

“Indeed not.” Spock agrees.

Spock had gone much of his adolescent life feeling as if he never truly belonged anywhere, and he understood deeply the feeling Jim spoke of. Being surrounded by beings, by life, by talk and chatter and movement, and feeling as if you were completely alone in the world.

When he’d first gotten his position aboard the _Enterprise_ that feeling had slowly evaporated, and he felt as if he had found somewhere he belonged. All of the crew had been different from the other, none of them from the same place or with the same childhoods, but they had becme an extremely tight family.

Now, Spock has no one left that he knows, and he has to integrate into a society that is just slightly off kilter from his own. It feels as if things have shifted minutely, but he imagines it should be no hardship to adapt to. Still, it will always feel wrong on some level. Like the Old Earth structure, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Spock’s world will feel forever tilted.

Jim does indeed manage to find a kitchen towel, hidden in the back of the cupboard under the washing basin, and he embarks on the task of cleaning the skirting boards with gusto. Spock is secretly grateful for the help, as he loathes cleaning anything that has gathered dust for too long. Instead, he opens the windows so as to air out the rooms. He then goes to unfreeze the food packages left in the cabin by the aiders who set it up, and together he and Jim manage to turn the place into something resembling a new home before the sun begins to set in the horizon.

“Would you like to stay for tea, Jim?” Spock asks him once they’ve finished beating the dirt out of the carpet.

Jim claps the dust off his hands. “I’d be delighted to.” He grins.

His grin is such a reminder of Spock’s own Jim that it sends a pang of pain through his heart.

Spock goes into the kitchen to prepare the tea. There is already a kettle present, and it’s self-heating, so he fills it up with water and turns it on. He then proceeds to take out two cups and goes to fetch his own stash of tea that he’d brought with him. Browsing a few shops in San Francisco Spock had found one of the teas his Jim had introduced him to, and he remembered liking it a lot, so he’d purchased it. 

Jim enters the kitchen and starts washing his hands in the sink, and Spock lets his gaze trail over Jim’s broad shoulders and back. Once the water has boiled and the tea has been served, the two of them sit together at the kitchen table. It only has two seats, but for Spock that’s enough. He doesn’t have plans on engaging many people in this humble abode.

Jim picks up his cup and sniffs at it. “Smells nice. Kind of like vanilla.”

“It is rhubarb and vanilla.”

Jim shoots him an incredulous look. “That’s certainly an odd combination.”

“Do not deride it until you have tried it.”

Jim chuckles. “Alright, no need to get testy.” He takes a slow sip, then looks as if he’s considering something before nodding once. “S’alright.”

Spock wraps his hands around his own warm cup and drinks from it.

“I’d say this place isn’t looking too shabby for just a day’s work. Less even.” Jim observes, glancing around the room.

“Indeed. We have managed to work through most of the chores to get this house in living order.”

“Yeah. The skirting boards were a bitch though.” Says Jim, rubbing his thumb in the centre of his palm.

“I must admit I am glad you undertook that chore, as I personally find cleaning them to be a pain in the ass.”

Jim’s eyebrows shoot up and his mouth drops open in shock. “Oh my God, you swear?” He laughs. “My Spock doesn’t swear at all!”

Spock smiles at Jim’s obvious delight.

“Did I teach you that? The me from your universe?” He asks eagerly.

Spock blows at his tea, then takes a careful sip. “You had some minor influence, but the fault lies entirely with Doctor McCoy.”

Jim throws his head back and laughs, and Spock allows himself to enjoy the sound. How odd it is that the outside appearance and behaviourisms of this Jim was so similar to his own, but Spock can feel that this Jim is not his. He never will be.

*

The time comes for the _Enterprise_ crew to return into orbit and its next assignment. Jim elicits a promise from Spock to call when he can and keep in touch, and Spock knows he can never deny Jim Kirk anything. 

The younger Spock is already on the transporter pad, and Jim joins him. Spock sees how Jim gazes at his younger counterpart, giving him a secret smile he reserves for no one else. A smile similar to the one Spock would keep for Jim’s eyes only. 

How he had yearned for his Captain to smile back in that same manner, to show that coveted grin Spock would treat like the most precious treasure in the world.

Spock can see now how the Jim of this universe feels so strongly about his younger counterpart. 

Jim feels about this Spock the same way he felt for the Jim Kirk of his timeline.

The rest of the crew arrange themselves on the transporter pads along their captain and first officer, and Spock watches the shimmer of the particles as their bodies disintegrate. When they’ve all well and truly disappeared before his eyes, he knows they’re safe on the ship up in the sky, the one he once used to consider his home.

*

True to his promise, Spock does contact Jim after a few weeks’ time, and they exchange pleasantries as well as spending some time catching up with each other. Jim tells him about how it’s like transitioning from Starfleet cadet to captain of a starship, and his struggles with getting to grips with the position. Spock has all the faith in Jim that he will do brilliantly, and tells him so. Jim’s smile every time is so bright Spock feels as if he were staring at the sun itself.

Even though Spock makes it a point to try and call Jim every few weeks, Jim is the one who contacts Spock more frequently. The video screen always opens up to his wide grin, and Jim always looks pleased to see Spock. Jim tells him about their trips and business aboard the ship, sharing stories about the crew and gossip. Spock feels as if he’s seeing double, but the stories he’s being told now don’t match up correctly with his own memories of the early months about the _Enterprise’s_ five year mission.

In return, Spock informs Jim about his activities on New Vulcan, of his efforts in helping build the colony, the substantial progress they have made and the countless meetings he has to sit through, something Jim does not envy him for at all. He pokes fun at Spock and his dreary life, but they’re all said with a lop-sided grin Spock recognises all too well. He keeps seeing echoes of his Jim in this Jim.

“I think Spock and Uhura are having a fight, but I can never tell with those two.” Jim tells him one day, shaking his head in exasperation.

It is an odd thing for Spock to wrap his head around, his younger self and Uhura being involved romantically. In his universe Spock never saw her as anything more than a friend, a respected co-worker, and someone with a strong personality. He was pleased to find out from the stories Jim told him that those traits have not been altered. Spock will admit that when he first met the Uhura of his timeline, there were the inklings of attraction towards her, but they were quickly drowned out by his affections for Jim.

But perhaps in this universe he had gone a different route, and his younger counterpart had truly found his match in Uhura.

*

On his birthday Spock receives a video transmission from Jim.

“Happy birthday!” Jim hollers as soon as he shows up on the video screen. His grin is big, and Spock is once again reminded of how young Jim really is. “Don’t know how old you’re turning, in Vulcan or Human years, but it’s your birthday, and you’re awesome!”

Spock’s lips tilt in a smile. “You are most gracious with your words, Jim.”

“I know, I truly am the best.” Jim preens, waggling his eyebrows. “Aren’t you glad you have me in your life?”

 _More than you know_ , Spock thinks, but instead asks, “Did you remember to congratulate my younger counterpart as well?”

Jim rolls his eyes. “No, I just asked him to stay overtime on the bridge and then went to get drunk with Bones. _Of course_ I congratulated him too.”

“It never hurts to make sure.” Spock drawls, and delights in the way Jim’s smile stretches wider.

“You’re a bastard, you know that?”

“I have been told that on several occasions, mostly by our dear friend Doctor McCoy.”

Jim chuckles to himself. “Typical Bones.” His smile suddenly drops, and his eyebrows furrow. “No, yeah, I did wish Spock a happy birthday today. I even offered to play a celebratory game of chess with him, but he declined. To be honest, he seemed short with me today. Shorter than usual.” He clarifies.

Spock can’t think of a reason he’d ever forego spending time with Jim to do anything else. But that could just be him.

Jim folds his arms across his chest. “I actually think he’s jealous of us having our little vidcalls.”

Spock raises one delicate eyebrow. “Do you tell him about our talks?”

Jim shakes his head. “No, like never. But he knows they happen.”

Spock frowns slightly. “How does he react?”

Jim shrugs. “I don’t know, he kind of… He just kind of gets quieter than usual. I feel like he closes himself off more. Every time I mention your name, which has happened at most twice, I can see him deliberately shut down.”

This is peculiar, but Spock thinks he knows what is occurring. “Do you speak of me fondly when you mention me?”

“No, I absolutely drag you through the mud.” Jim deadpans. “You must know I only say good things, you deserve nothing less.”

The comment has Spock feeling warm inside, but he now knows for sure what is going on. He recognises this behaviour.

“I believe my younger self is exhibiting the beginning signs of jealousy.” He warns Jim with a smile.

“Jealous of himself?” Jim asks, delight clear in his expression.

“Perhaps. But I believe he also wishes to hold your attention for himself.”

Jim laughs, but it’s bitter. “You’re hilarious, Spock. The guy hates my guts, there’s no way he’d want that.”

Spock thinks how someone must be truly crazy not to want to spend every single moment with Jim.

*

Four months after the _Enterprise_ last visited New Vulcan, Jim comms Spock and informs him that they will be arriving in two weeks’ time with some cargo. There have been docking stations built since the starship’s absence, but none big enough to house one of the _Enterprise_ ’s magnitude. Because of this, the cargo that they bring with them has to be beamed down to the planet, set by set. It’s a time-consuming task and is expected to take several days, and as the Captain, Jim has to attend the introductory meeting with the Trade Agreement Council, as well as the closing meeting once all the cargo is safely beamed down. 

Jim has granted the rest of his crew shore leave, save for the few sorry ensigns who have to beam down the cargo, and along with the younger Spock and Uhura, attended the introductory meeting.

Jim had said he would arrive at Spock’s home in the afternoon for tea, but it was nearing evening when he finally came knocking.

“I’m sorry I’m late, we were supposed to meet at noon but some Andorian minister forgot their paperwork to get into the building, so the meeting ended up getting delayed and then _extended_.” Jim huffs, stepping into the house. Spock moves back and allows Jim to pass him before shutting the door. He smiles at the way Jim grumbles under his breath. His Jim Kirk always did hate pointless meetings, quickly turning restless. It was comforting to see the trait in this universe too.

“I imagine you will be extending your stay then.”

“Yeah.” Jim sighs, placing his hands on his hips. 

Spock knew how much his Jim loved moving about and being amongst the stars, and he had learnt this one was no different in that matter. Having to spend time planetside, attending meeting after meeting until the ship’s cargo was beamed down must have been making him incredibly antsy.

Spock goes into the kitchen to boil the water once more, and then gets the tea ready. He picks up one of the cups, still hot, and holds it out to Jim. He takes it with a grateful nod, and gingerly sips at it.

“It’s nice. What flavour is that?”

“It is _vakshid_ , one of the Vulcan flavours your counterpart did not avidly dislike.”

Jim snorts. “You’ve got such a way with words.”

With the tea in their hands, the two of them sit down to chat. They talk about anything and everything, things they did not have the time to tell each other during their many video transmissions. Jim will sometimes reveal something about himself or his childhood, then freeze as if surprised it came out of his mouth. Spock will simply nod, and the unconcerned manner in which he reacts to the bits of information has Jim relaxing further. Spock has heard these stories before, several times, but he delights in hearing them being retold again by this man.

They have both worked their way through four cups of tea respectively, when Jim takes a gander out the window.

“Wow,” He comments. “It’s gotten dark already?”

Spock gives a short hum, neither in agreement nor disagreement.

“You know, back in Iowa, during the winter months when the weather got dark early, Sam and I would gather together a bunch of blankets and curl up in front of the holoscreen with hot chocolate.”

Every time Jim mentions something he has in common with the Jim Kirk from Spock’s timeline, Spock’s affection rises. He looks at the man with such fondness.

Jim turns to grin at Spock. “That’s when we were younger though.”

“I am afraid I do not carry hot chocolate here.” Spock apologises kindly.

“We could do without the hot chocolate.” Jim looks at him with hopeful eyes, and Spock acquiesces easily.

Spock doesn’t have any thick blankets, as his rooms all contain double-glazed windows in order to keep the cold of the desert night from seeping into his quarters, but that doesn’t stop Jim from stealing his duvet and dragging it to the couch. They get settled down, and Spock puts on a holo.

Jim perks up. “This…” He stutters out, awed. “This is ‘ _The Matchsticks of Risa_ ’.”

“One of your favourites.”

Jim turns to look at him, eyes round. “I’ve never told anyone that.”

“I was fortunate enough to earn your trust in this regard.”

Jim shakes his head fondly. “You’re really something else, Spock.”

“I recall you saying you did not wish for others to know you experienced sad emotions.” Spock reveals.

“Sounds like me.” Jim chuckles.

“I found the comment extremely perplexing, as you had always been an emotional being to me.”

“Probably why I confided in you.” Jim jests, playfully knocking his shoulder into Spock’s. “Man, I can’t believe this classic even exists in your universe.”

The story is about a young girl born from poverty, who spends her life trying to sell matchsticks. At one point she is given an offer by a stranger, the chance to travel to Risa, a pleasure planet that grants you all of your deepest wishes. It is a beautifully sorrow story, and Spock recalls when Jim revealed to him it was one of his favourite holos. He had looked at Spock with a cheeky grin and blush staining his cheeks, looking as if he were sharing a huge secret.

Spock remembers the first time he’d watched this holo with Jim. He had been constantly aware of his captain by his side, his warmth radiating like a furnace, and Spock had wished he would sit just that little bit closer.

Suddenly Jim yawns, and his arms stretch over his head. They then lower down again, and one of them drapes over the back of the couch, right behind Spock. 

Spock’s no fool. 

He is well aware of what has just occurred. His Jim had once revealed to him a trick he used in his adolescence when making advances on someone he was interested in, and Spock recognises it immediately. The arm over the shoulders was an excuse to get closer to the person, to lean in further and perhaps, if they were lucky, lead on to other things.

Spock keeps an eye on Jim, but he doesn’t make any further approaches, and so he returns to watching the holo. 

A few moments later Jim rolls his shoulders and cricks his back, and once he has settled down again Spock notices he’s shifted a little bit closer to him.

He chances a glance at Jim, and sees how the bright light of the holoscreen illuminates his features.

He is so beautiful.

Spock’s breathe catches in his throat.

The noise catches Jim’s attention, and he looks to Spock.

“You okay?” He asks, his voice a low rumble.

“I am well.” Spock deliberately turns back to the holo, ignoring the tightening in his stomach. This is not his Jim. This is not him, and it is not right to think of him as such.

Jim’s fingers tentatively stroke the back of his neck, on the cloth right below his naked skin. 

This is dangerous, extremely dangerous territory, but Spock doesn’t stop him.

Jim keeps rubbing his fingers over Spock’s back for a while, but then he grows bolder, and slides them around to settle on Spock’s shoulder.

The action causes Jim’s arm to lay across Spock’s back, and the heavy weight and warmth of that limb makes Spock realise he has let this go on too far.

“Jim.” He says.

Jim turns to him, and offers a soft smile. Spock recognises the gleam in his eyes.

“We cannot.” He gets out. His voice isn’t cooperating with him at this moment.

A frown mars Jim’s face. “Why?”

“We simply cannot.” Spock argues.

Jim turns fully to face Spock. “I don’t understand. You like me.”

“I enjoy your company.” Spock corrects. He can feel his heart beating fast in his chest.

“But you love me. The other me, you said so yourself.”

“You are not him, Jim.”

“I must be, on some level. Else you wouldn’t be looking at me as if I were your whole world.”

The words strike a chord within Spock. They ring true in his ears, because Jim Kirk is his world. But not this Jim Kirk.

When Spock came through to this universe, his actions ended up changing the natural course of this timeline. It had been altered. The Jim Kirk that would have been, could never be, and it was because of Spock. If there ever was a Jim Kirk that would turn out to be exactly like his own, he had changed that drastically, and now they would never be.

He was still Jim Kirk, but he was entirely foreign to Spock.

And still, he couldn’t deny there were eerie similarities.

Spock averts his eyes. “I am far too old for you.”

“Don’t say that.” Jim defends fervently. “You’re perfect.”

Spock peers up at Jim. His face is an open book, and Spock can see how truly deep in love Jim is with his idea of Spock.

“You are disillusioned.” Spock says, attempting to lean away.

“You can pretend I’m him.” Jim offers, and the words bring Spock to a halt. “Your Jim. You can imagine he’s here with you right now.”

His eyes are frantically searching Spock’s face for an answer, the blue even clearer now with the light of the holoscreen lighting them up.

Spock shouldn’t, but his eyes trail over the man before him, taking in every aspect of him. His appearance is so similar to that of his Jim, the familiarity almost identical.

But the eyes. 

The difference is in the eyes.

They’re wrong, and this situation is wrong, but with Jim so close and offering what he cannot resist, Spock wishes for it to be right. Against his better judgement he gives in.

The kiss is chaste, but Spock feels it like an electric shock. His lips seek out more of Jim, more of his kisses, and Spock allows himself to fall back when Jim crawls over him. 

Jim is so soft and so affectionate, kissing him deeply and savouring each and every one of them. He strokes Spock’s face tenderly, and laces their fingers together, squeezing gently. He even takes Spock’s fingers and puts them into his mouth. He never takes his eyes off Spock’s face as he does so, and Spock watches as the blue eyes focus in on him. Jim sucks gently on his fingers, and Spock’s eyes slip closed as he emits a moan.

This was the fantasy he never allowed himself to have.

Jim opens him up slowly, one finger turning into two, then three, then Jim is sinking into him, and Spock feels almost complete. Almost.

*

Spock is the one to wake first the follow morning. Sometime last night they had managed to find their way to Spock’s bedroom, and now Jim lay with him in his bed, arm draped over his waist. Spock takes a moment to quietly take in the man before him. He looks incredibly young, and Spock imagines this is what his Jim would have looked like after their first night together. The thought has his throat constricting.

Last night was a mistake. Spock would strengthen his control, and he would not allow this to occur again. He makes a point to tell Jim such as soon as he’s awake, and let him know that the act had been Spock’s one indulgence.

But then Jim does wake up, squinting at the sun coming through the window, and blinking as he takes in the figure in bed with him. His confused frown quickly transforms into a smile, and he looks as if he’s seeing the sunrise for the first time.

Spock can’t bring himself to take that expression away.

“Morning.” Jim greets, voice rough from sleep.

“Good morning.” Spock returns, never taking his eyes off of him.

Jim leans in cautiously, asking Spock for permission, and when he gets a nod in return he closes the distance and kisses him properly. Deeply. 

Jim fucks him again, taking Spock into his arms and kissing his face. He fucks into him slowly, and keeps murmuring affections into his ear. Spock holds on for dear life.

He senses this is no longer an indulgence. It’s the start of an addiction.

*

They continue their vague definition of a relationship for a few months afterwards, almost eight. They still partake in video transmissions with each other, talking about whatever topic one of them brings up, but sometimes there will be more. Sometimes Jim, who is infinitely mischievous, will call with the sole intention of getting Spock off. Jim has a wicked tongue, and he knows exactly how to use it, telling Spock all about the things he wishes he could do to him, and despite Spock’s wish to resist, he gives in to the strength of the words.

Spock could never have imagined that this relationship based on mutual pining for each of their lost loves could be so playful.

Spock didn't allow himself to think about what being in a relationship with Jim Kirk would be like, what it would be like to hold him in his arms and grow old together. He doesn’t allow himself to imagine that.

In that direction lies madness.

*

“Did you guys ever go to Bachlem V?”

“We did not.” Spock says after a moment of thinking.

Jim rubs at his jaw. “Hm. So there’re planets here that we’ve discovered but you haven’t.” 

“Though Bachlem V was not discovered by us, that is not to say it does not exist in my universe.”

Jim rolls his eyes and waves a hand at the screen. “Technicalities.”

Spock’s eyes gleam with mirth.

*

“You have always had a strong love for the stars.” Spock tells him.

Jim chuckles and crosses his arms. “That’s putting it lightly.”

“You were born to roam the stars.” Spock amends, and Jim gives him a tender smile.

“That’s what it feels like. And Spock, I gotta say… it’s amazing. It _feels_ amazing. All my life I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere, I’ve just sort of existed, and now here… I really believe I’ve found my place here.” Jim finishes reverently.

Spock’s lips stretch into a warm smile. “I am pleased.”

*

“Younger you is a jackass.” Jim huffs.

“What has he done this time?”

“What hasn’t he done!” Jim exclaims, throwing his hands up. Spock knows that Jim is experiencing high feelings of irritation, but he cannot help but observe how similar he looks to his own Jim. The incident with the tribbles and Klingons especially comes to mind. “He just up and defied every one of my orders, almost getting himself killed in the process!”

Spock frowns slightly. “What were your orders?”

“So we were on this mission where we had to retrieve a relic that a tribe of natives had stolen from another group on the planet. The Federation had tried contacting that tribe when they made first contact with the other ones— the Twixts— but they were deemed hostile. Still, we needed to retrieve the relic for trade reasons, and to keep a good relationship with the Twixts, so Spock, ensigns Kurokawa, O’oco, Dawson and I went to retrieve it. I said that as the Captain I would go first and spy out the situation, and that they were to stay back and not come for unless I called for backup. We had a signal and everything! But, Spock, the _asshole_ defied my orders and followed me all the way, even leaving the ensigns to fend for themselves. That’s crazy! They could’ve been ambushed or something, Spock was supposed to be there as my second-in-command, he’s supposed to be the level-headed one!”

“Jim.” Spock starts calmly, waiting for the man to calm down from the snit he’s worked himself into. “Would your orders have resulted in your death?”

Jim hesitates briefly. “Possibly.” He admits. “But it didn’t.”

“Then it is no surprise my younger self defied your orders.” Jim throws him an unimpressed look. “A First Officer is more expendable than a Captain.”

“But someone as great as Spock only comes along once in a lifetime.” Jim says firmly.

Spock echoes that sentiment about Jim.

*

“Have I ever told you how much I hate tribbles.” Jim deadpans. It is the first thing he says when he appears on the video screen.

Spock smirks. “I have indeed heard that sentiment before.”

*

“Are you alone?” Jim asks him.

“I am. Why do you ask?”

“Excellent. Because I’m alone too, and I’m planning on getting _real_ comfortable in just a moment.” Jim intones, disappearing off screen as he reaches for something.

Spock lifts an eyebrow. “You are in you quarters.” He notes.

“Yup. Just got off alpha shift and have the next eight hours off. Told everyone not to disturb me and that I was going to sleep, but instead I got changed into comfortable clothes. Put my comm on silent. Called you. You see where I’m going with this?” Jim returns to the screen, lop-sided smile in place and with a tube of what Spock recognises to be lube in his hands.

“You are incorrigible.” Spock sighs fondly.

“Come on, Spock. Indulge me.” Jim prompts, leaning back in his chair. His body, strong-looking and muscled, stretches before the video screen. Spock’s eyes glaze over at the sight.

“I know you want me.” Jim quirks a grin. “Which is great, ‘cause I want you like nothing else.”

Spock watches as Jim caps open the lube and squirts some of the liquid into his hand. He spreads the substance over his hands to warm it up, then with his free hand pulls down his sweats until his cock is free. It’s not yet fully hard, but Jim grips at it and starts slowly pumping.

“You know, today I couldn’t help wonder what it’d be like to have you on the bridge.”

“Indeed?” Spock asks, gaze transfixed on Jim’s hand.

Jim hums. “It gets so boring up there sometimes, I can’t help but think of ways to spice it up. Having you there would really change that.”

“A Captain must at all times remain vigilant when on active duty.” Spock quotes in a detached tone.

“Yeah, but I can dream, can’t I?” Jim argues. “I can dream about you parading around my bridge completely naked.” Spock’s breathe hitches. Jim tilts a smile and continues. “I can think of having my Vulcan First Officer walk around bare as the day he was born, his skin just begging to be marked by my teeth.”

Spock shivers.

“I can imagine walking up to you at your station, bending you over your console and sinking deep, deep into that tight heat. I’d fuck you right there where everyone could see, I wouldn’t even care.” Jim changes the grip on his cock, tightening his fist more. “I’d love to sit back in the Captain’s chair and have you ride my dick. God, you’d look so gorgeous bouncing on my lap, taking control, being so free.”

Spock’s breath is coming out in shorter spurts.

“I.” Jim cuts off, clenching his jaw as a shiver runs through his body. “I want to have you stand in front of me, and then inch down your trousers, slowly, so slowly… spread your cheeks and just eat you out.”

Spock groans. He is not immune to Jim’s fantasies, and reaches under his robes to grip his own cock. He is too old for this, but Jim brings out the youthfulness in him.

“You like that, do you?” Jim chuckles. His voice has roughened, and the speed at which he’s pumping his cock has increased. “I’d fucking love it too. I imagine you taste amazing. _God_ , we’ve got to try that. Me opening up your hole with my tongue, eating you out as if you were my last meal.”

Spock groans. “ _Jim._ ”

“Spock.” Jim breathes out. His eyes are lidded, and red splotches have appeared on his body. “I wouldn’t let you finish with that though. No, I want more. I want to hold you down, ravish you with lips, teeth, tongue, fucking _everything_ until you lost your goddamn mind. I want you to feel sore and raw from how we fucked, want you to feel me inside you every time you take a step, like a reminder.”

Spock’s hand on his cock speeds up, and he can feel himself nearing orgasm. Jim appears to be in the same situation from how his voice has shorted out.

“I… I want to fuck into you so deep,” He gasps. “Want to come deep inside you and just stay, stay there. I want you to feel full from my dick, and when I try to pull out you pull me back in.”

Jim suddenly seizes up, and he throws his head back and lets out a long, drawn-out groan. That image, of Jim’s broad chest and collarbone, the veins in his neck thick and body flushed, is what causes Spock to climax.

He spurts all over his hand, the cum hot and burning. Spock breathes heavily. His mind is still roaring with pleasure, and he struggles to regain his composure.

He hears a chuckle. “Fried your brains, huh?” Laughs Jim’s voice. Spock glances up, and sees the man grinning fiercely. “That’s okay. Same thing happened to me.”

Spock sees Jim reach for a tissue, and begin to wipe himself clean. Spock does the same thing. His desk has tissues as well, but they were not put there for purposes like this.

Once they’re both clean, Jim looks at Spock. “So, how was it for you?”

Spock pretends to contemplate his answer, then finally settles with, “Adequate.”

Jim drops his head and laughs loudly, the noise bouncing through the communicator’s speakers. Spock can see the fondness and love in Jim’s eyes, and he can tell that he loves Spock.

“God, you’re amazing.” Jim says, shaking his head.

The way Jim says it is so alike his Jim Kirk that Spock has to slam his eyes shut and get his breathing under control.

*

“So not to brag or anything, but I just beat Spock at chess.” Jim’s grinning at him widely.

“How did he take the loss?”

Jim laughs. “I think he’s still in shock.”

Spock shakes his head. How childish he had been when he was young.

*

Jim’s wedding day was today.

Spock remembers exactly how he had looked. Traditionally on Earth it was the bride who was the focal point of the event, but Spock had only had eyes for Jim.

His captain had wanted to wear a traditional Earth suit, entirely black. Doctor McCoy and Spock had both been chosen as his best men, Jim claiming he couldn’t pick between the two. Spock recalls how Jim had hoped that Sam would be alive for his wedding day. It had been a wish of his to have his older brother at his side, but then he turned to them both with a grin and said, “Suppose I’ll have to settle with second best.”

Bones sighed. “Don’t know how you bagged such a gal with your charm, Jim.”

“It is an acquired taste.” Spock commented, and Jim threw his head back and laughed.

That moment in the grooms’ dressing room, where all three of them had gathered in preparation, trading jibes and helping Jim get ready was one of Spock’s best memories. The jovial atmosphere was so at odds with the impending doom he felt, of knowing that this was the last moment Spock had with Jim before he would definitely, officially, never belong to Spock. His last moments.

The image of Jim grinning bashfully as he fiddled with his tie is one that will stick in Spock’s mind until the day he dies.

*

“I love you.” Jim says one day, and Spock can’t return it. He just looks at Jim, and he must see something in Spock’s eyes, because Jim just nods, but his smile is wet. “It’s okay.”

Jim loves him, but Spock doesn’t. He still wishes for his Jim Kirk, no matter how close a copy this timeline’s one is.

*

Sometimes, when there is no work for Spock to tend to, and nothing else to take up his time, his mind will stray to the memories of Jim and the _Enterprise_ crew.

He reminisces about the adventures they went on, wonders about what transpired on Risa, remembers the suffering and struggles of the Troglytes, and the very many, unique aliens they had encountered.

Spock wonders if the _Enterprise_ crew of this universe would experience the same things. He wonders if they will grow as close as he did with his crew, if they will create a feeling of family and closeness like his crew did.

Spock had only had a few moments to meet the members of the _Enterprise_ from this timeline, but the shocking similarity they shared with his friends had almost brought tears to his eyes.

He saw Uhura as she was when she was young, her hair no longer curled up in a high form, but tied up as a long ponytail swishing behind her. She possessed the same fierce eyes that Spock felt could always look right through a person and into their core. He wondered if she sang like his Uhura used to, and if she would continue to do so late into her life.

He had met with Sulu and Chekov, though he appeared to be much, much younger in this universe.

“I’m seventeen, sir.” The boy had told him when Spock asked, smiling proudly. Chekov had been the best navigator of his time in Spock’s universe, and so it wasn’t astounding that the same was echoed here. Still, he did think seventeen was awfully young for an officer.

Sulu acted very much the same, though Spock felt this one held himself with more confidence. He spoke briefly with Spock, and addressed him with utmost courtesy and respect. However, when Jim slid into the seat next to Spock, his demeanour immediately changed, and he began enthusiastically trading barbs with the captain. It seemed as if the two of them were much closer friends than his were.

“Sulu has a kid and husband, you know?” Jim told him. “Little Demora, the sweetest thing— though actually Joanna shares that title with her— and Ben. He and Sulu… they’re really happy together, Spock. You should see them.”

Spock never got the chance to see Sulu’s family, but he was happy for him.

He saw Montgomery Scott in brief, dashing through the mess hall and talking a mile a minute with different ensigns, directing them to do something, here, there, everywhere. He had much more energy in this universe, and Spock thought how he had never truly appreciated the calm manner in which his chief engineer often spoke. However, the same could not be said of his emotionalism. He wondered if the Montgomery Scott of this universe shared that characteristic.

He encountered doctor McCoy, and the first thing that struck Spock was the closeness in facial expressions. With every word the man would speak, his face would change to convey his feelings, and Spock knew they all belonged to the doctor McCoy he knew. His bedside manners were slightly kinder, but he was still brash and opinionated. Even nurse Chapel was present, and Spock felt himself smiling at the memory of her desire for him. But Jim had told him that Chapel was engaged to be married with an engineer back on Earth, and so he was sure she did not hold any affections for the Spock of this universe.

It was mesmerising how closely they all mirrored the people Spock had grown to love and cherish. Some yeomen and ensigns were different, but the essential bridge crew were all the same, and to him it felt as if they had never gone at all.

To this day Spock had difficulty accepting that they were well and truly gone from his life forever.

*

The first time Spock hears about the incident with Khan, it is during a meeting with the Vulcan Council. They are in the middle of discussing how they will delegate tasks in the agricultural department when someone comes knocking to reveal the news.

The meeting continues regardless, and it is only once it has finished that Spock can make his way straight home and contact Jim. He receives no answer to his calls, and he spends the entire day and next morning worrying until he hears from Sarek that his son, Spock, had informed him of Jim’s well-being.

Spock feels the air rush out of him at once, and his body feels lighter.

He can’t live with having Jim Kirk die twice in his lifetime. He just can’t.

The details of the incident are revealed in the news a few days later, and Spock finds himself relaxing further. Jim has yet to contact him, but if he is still in recovery then it is understandable as to why he is unable to.

Spock is at home looking through old holos of his friends when he gets a video transmission. It’s from an unknown number.

He swipes to accept the call, and the video screen fills with the image of a being.

It’s his younger self. 

“Spock.” He greets, surprised.

His counterpart inclines his head. “Ambassador.”

“I am… surprised at receiving your call.” Spock admits in High Vulcan. 

“I surmised you would feel as much.” His younger self agrees. A silence falls over the two of them, and several moments pass until Spock speaks.

“How are things with the crew?” He asks.

“They are recovering. The number of deaths were minimal, but we must tend to their burials properly. The _Enterprise_ ship was seriously damaged, but I have been reliably informed by Engineer Scott that it is being repaired as we speak.”

“That is comforting to hear.” Says Spock. “I apologise for my bluntness, but what was your reason for contacting me?”

Spock notices his younger self tensing slightly, before quickly melting back into parade rest. It takes a moment before he asks, “Are you and Captain Kirk currently engaged in a sexual relationship?”

Spock’s eyebrows rise. He had not been expecting such a question.

“We are.” He admits.

His counterpart suddenly looks as if the air has been punched out of him.

“I see.” He appears to be struggling with swallowing the answer. “Romantic too?”

“Yes.”

“On both parts?”

“No.” Spock says, and he can see the hesitance in the other’s stance.

“On… on whose part?”

Spock smiles kindly. “Jim loves me, but I cannot return his affections.” 

He watches as his younger self deflates slightly. Whether it’s from relief or disappoint, Spock’s not sure. 

“I gave my love to someone a long time ago.” He adds. His counterpart’s eyes jump up to his face, and he must see something in there, the depth of Spock’s words cutting deep, because he simply inclines his head.

“I grieve with thee.”

“And I with you.” Spock returns.

A short silence passes between the two of them before his younger self announces, “Thank you for conversing with me, but I must now return to my duties aboard the ship.” He holds up his hand in the _ta’al_. “Peace and long life.” _Sochya eh dif._

Spock returns the gesture. “Live long and prosper.” _Dif-tor heh smusma._

*

The _Enterprise_ crew arrive on New Vulcan five months later, and Jim is grinning widely when he materialises on the transporter pad. 

He immediately heads forward and warmly greets ‘Ambassador Setok’, holding up the _ta’al_ with pride. Spock makes sure to pay attention to his younger counterpart’s reaction. He sees how his eyes trail after his captain, silently watching. He has indeed developed feelings for Jim, but is keeping quiet because he sees that he has found happiness elsewhere.

The resemblance of that situation almost brings tears to Spock’s eyes.

How foolish he had been to hold back his love. What could have been, he never dared to imagine, but now that he has had this time with the Jim of this timeline, he thinks himself incredibly foolish for never trying.

*

Jim leads them back to Spock’s home, and kisses him as soon as the door slides shut. They have sex, and Jim is behind him, thrusting deep, even strokes into Spock as he hugs a pillow in his arms.

They come together, and Jim’s fingers leave indents in Spock’s skin from where he gripped too hard. Spock loves it. 

Afterwards they lie in each other’s arms, basking in the post-coital glow, and Spock knows he needs to finish this affair they have before he loses his courage.

“Jim.” He starts, throat tight.

Jim hums in reply.

“I believe it is time we cease our relation.”

Jim’s head immediately snaps to look at Spock. “You don’t want to be with me anymore?” He asks, fearful.

“I always want to be with you, Jim.” Spock assures him. “However, I do not think it is wise to continue a romantic relationship.”

Jim’s frowning. “But I love you.”

“The Spock of this timeline and I are one and the same.” Spock explains calmly, but it does nothing to ease Jim’s dismay.

“No, you’re not. You’re different!”

“And you desire him more than you do me.”

Jim takes Spock’s hand and cradles it between his own. “That’s not true.” He whispers. He brings Spock’s hand up to his lips and kisses the back of it, all the while looking at him with his bright eyes.

“Jim, you belong with the Spock of this universe.”

A scowl mars Jim’s face, and Spock can feel irritation begin to stir in him. “I belong with whoever I damn well please to be with.”

Spock has no way of disputing that statement, so he simply says, “He pines for you.”

“Sure.” Jim huffs, not believing it. Spock finds it so difficult seeing how Jim doesn’t accept his true worth.

Spock licks his lips once, and quietly says, “He pines for you as I pined for my Jim.” 

Jim halts his ministration at this, and chances a look up at Spock.

Slowly, Spock starts to explain. “Back in my timeline, I was completely infatuated with Jim. I still love him to this day, but the intensity of my affections has lessened considerably.” He takes a deep breathe. “I was for lack of a better word, terrified, of allowing the Captain to see my true feelings towards him. I kept myself at a distance, and ensured that he saw me as nothing more than a friend. A very good friend. I was scared of his reaction were he to ever find out how I felt about him. I was scared it would affect our friendship if he were to know the truth. But above all, I was scared of his rejection.”

There’s a terse moment where neither Spock nor Jim speak. At long last, Spock swallows and finds voice again. “My fear and silence ended up being my downfall. Jim met a woman on one of our missions; a Miss Carol Marcus.”

Jim’s eyes widen. “Carol…?”

“I am aware you have already encountered her in this timeline.”

“Yeah, she uh.” Jim clears his throat. “She was assigned as an officer on the _Enterprise_. Before the whole, um, Khan thing.”

Spock nods.

Jim gently nudges him. “Go on.”

“There is not much more to say. Jim met Carol, and they fell deeply in love. And that was the end for me. I had missed my slot. Jim was lost to me, and he would never be mine.”

“Shit, Spock.” Jim whispers, eyes entranced on his face. “You can’t expect me to leave you after that, can you?”

Spock lets his eyes fall shut and sighs deeply. “Jim, please. I know the pain of heartbreak, and I would not wish it on someone else, not when I know there is a chance between them.” He’s so tired. He can feel it deep in his bones.

Jim quietens down, and after a few beats of silence announces, “I’ll think about it.”

Spock nods gratefully. It’s the most he can do for now.

*

Jim has a meeting to attend to in the morning with the Vulcan Council, and Spock walks him into town where they part ways. He goes to sit through his own meeting on the progress of the sewage system in the city, and at the next meeting about interstellar trading conditions he is joined by Jim. Afterwards they share their lunch break together, then go back to finish up the meeting before walking home together.

The _Enterprise_ is set to depart in the morning, and so they have sex once more that night.

Jim’s face is pressed into the crook of Spock’s neck, breathing him in. He leans up and takes the tip of Spock’s ear into his mouth, and gently tugs at it. Spock keens, gripping tighter onto Jim. His hole clenches around Jim’s fingers where they’re buried deep inside him.

“I love the way you feel around my fingers.” Jim breathes.

Spock loves the way Jim’s fingers feels inside of him, but he doesn’t tell him that, just captures his lips in a kiss.

*

The next morning when Spock sees the crew off as Ambassador Setok, he corners his younger counterpart for a moment.

“I assure you he will be with you.” He tells him.

His younger self tilts their head slightly. “I do not understand.”

“It is illogical to feign bewilderment to yourself, Spock.” He says with a wry smile.

His counterpart meets his eyes, and nods once. He raises his hand in the _ta’al_ , which Spock returns, and then walks off to stand by his Captain on the transporter pad.

 _Where he belongs_ , thinks Spock, as they begin to de-materialise.

*

He and Jim continue to exchange stories through their video transmissions, and Jim seems just as eager about Spock as he did before their talk.

Still, Spock tries to dissuade Jim from wanting to be with him.

“I will not be around for much longer.” He announces in the middle of one of their conversations.

Jim’s eyes immediately flash dangerously, and he leans forward. “Don’t say that!” He hisses fiercely.

“It is the truth.”

“ _Shut. Up._ ” Jim grits out through his teeth. His passion has always been a flaw Spock admired.

“Jim.” Spock starts, voice comforting. “I know the idea of death is not comforting to you,” He spots Jim clenching his jaw. “But it is an inevitable thing. Much like how a hammer falls on a planet that has positive gravity, or the manner in which all the planets of your galaxy orbit the sun, death is imminent. It is the natural progression of life.” 

Jim looks as if he’s tasted something sour, his lips curling down and scowl in place. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Nobody likes death,” Spock says, his voice wavering. “But it happens anyway.”

Jim looks up, and he must see the pain across Spock’s face, because his expression softens.

“I can’t imagine what you had to suffer through.”

“And I hope you will never have to experience it.” Spock says, wiping at the inner corner of his eye.

*

“I love you.”

“I care for you deeply.”

Jim sighs.

*

“It’s my birthday!” Jim yells, energy boundless.

“Congratulations on aging. You do it marvellously.” Spock inclines his head at the screen.

“Why, Mr. Spock, aren’t you the charmer?” Jim drawls, his smile turning dangerous. “I was actually hoping for a gift from you. Remember my last birthday?”

Spock remembers.

Jim had talked Spock into fingering himself open for him. Jim had been enraptured during the whole ordeal, eyes wide and face flushed. He had spurred Spock on with filthy, filthy words dropping from his obscene lips, voice roughening as he let spill exactly what he wanted to do to him. Spock had never felt so young.

Jim has a huge fascination with Spock’s genitalia. Spock can feel it through Jim’s skin when they touch and lay together, how he’s curious about the similarity between him and Spock, but also how they differ slightly. Jim’s excitement the first time they had sex, when he’d touched Spock’s folds surrounding the base of his cock which caused the Vulcan to buck violently, was all-consuming. Spock’s reaction had made it so that Jim always wanted to get away with licking at his folds, but they were too sensitive, and so Spock would only allow Jim a few licks before pushing his head to more important places.

“I will make sure to congratulate you properly on your next visit.” Spock promises. He’s playing a dangerous game, but sometimes he can’t help it. He’s weak when it comes to Jim.

Jim groans, and hangs his head. “God I wish I was there so I could kiss you.”

The words make Spock’s heart skip a beat, but he just smiles.

*

Sometimes Spock will inquire about his younger counterpart, asking things such as, “How is Spock?”

And Jim will shake his head and grin. “That guy. You’ll never believe what he did. Or maybe you will, because he’s you.”

“Tell me.”

Jim’s grin widens. “Okay, _so_ ,” and then he’s off, regaling Spock of the shenanigans his first officer gets into.

“I had no idea he had it in him.” Jim laughs, his eyes thinning.

Spock just smiles and listens as Jim’s love washes over his face, his expression filling with utmost adoration as he retells the story.

*

“Today… yeah, today was not so great.” Jim says, despondency lacing his voice. He looks dejected, and Spock immediately wishes he could be there to sooth him.

“Jim. What happened?”

Jim sighs and hangs his head. “It… We got attacked down planet. A bunch of ensigns were on the away team, and two of them… Michaels and Singh.” Jim pauses, needing to compose himself. “They were so young.”

“Let me remind you that you too are young.” Spock points out.

“But they were _younger_.” Jim argues angrily. “And in a different way. I’ve been through so much shit, Spock, you know that, right?” He was inquiring whether the Jim of his timeline had shared his deepest and darkest woes. At Spock’s nod, Jim continues. “And it’s affected me so badly I feel like I’m actually fifty as opposed to my actual age.”

“You will recover as you have always recovered.” Spock states calmly. “There is no hardship big enough to quench the fire of Jim Kirk.”

“You believe in me way more than I do.” Jim tilts a smile, but Spock can see that he is still sombre.

“I have seen what you can accomplish, and I believe there is much more left for you to achieve.”

Jim’s smile widens, and just for a split second he looks hopeful.

*

It’s about three weeks later that the video transmissions peter off, and they become few and far in between. 

He and Jim still talk, but Spock notices a difference in him. There’s a new energy to Jim, there’s more brightness to his smiles, and Spock knows there’s been a substantial change.

*

Jim Kirk was made for the stars.

It is a belief Spock has had since he met the man, and he accepts it as one of the many facts of life. Predators eat their prey, the sky on Earth is blue, and Jim Kirk would never live bound to the ground.

He had a lifetime of exploring before him, of discovering new worlds, experiencing new planets, customs, ideas, places and people. There was so much that was in store for Jim Kirk, and he would cherish and love every step of the journey.

But Spock was an old man, and he had done his exploring.

*

Jim calls him one day informing him that they’ll be heading for Vulcan.

“Another cargo train.” Jim sighs.

Spock smiles tenderly. “When will you be arriving?”

“Two weeks from now.”

Spock nods. “I look forward to your arrival.”

Jim’s smile stretches wide, eyes fond, but it’s different from the previous times he’s looked at Spock. Suddenly his smile melts away, and a serious expression comes over his face. Jim bites at his lip momentarily, then says, “I have something I need to tell you. When we’re at New Vulcan.”

Spock already knows what it is, but he nods. “Very well.”

*

It’s after two weeks of Spock sitting through even more tiring meetings, talk about everything from the construction of proper pathways in the city to the cost of importing cloth from off-planet, that the _Enterprise_ arrives. They have yet to build a docking station that can hold a ship as large as the _Enterprise_ , and Spock doubts it’s a priority for them in these coming years.

Jim, his younger self, and several members of the crew beam down. Spock spots Doctor McCoy and Sulu among the few, but everyone else is a mystery to him.

Jim walks up to him, and greets him with a wide grin and ‘Ambassador Setok’. Spock returns the greeting, but he sees now that there certainly is something different about Jim Kirk.

*

It’s later that evening, just as Spock has finished his meeting about the chemicals that will be used to keep parasites off their agricultural sites, that Jim approaches him.

“Ambassador,” He starts, bowing his head minutely. “Could I speak with you in private, please?”

“Certainly.” Spock agrees, and together they walk out of the building. They don’t head for Spock’s home as they usually do when Jim visits, but decide to take a leisurely stroll through the city. The sun has set, but the cold has not yet made itself entirely present in the air.

The two of them walk together, not speaking for several moments, until Jim finally clears his throat. 

“So…” He starts, and Spock knows this is it.

“I am glad you have found each other.” He says, and he means it. Jim’s eyes immediately jump to his, and Spock can see the surprise clear across his face. He smiles kindly at Jim, and the surprise slowly disappears and is replaced with a fond look.

A look shared between friends.

“Yeah, me too.” Jim says.

They keep strolling through the city, their feet making soft noises as they kick over the dirt paths.

“We haven’t actually… gotten together yet, or anything. Like, not even romantically.” Jim tells him.

Spock frowns. “Why not?”

Jim shrugs his shoulders. “I told him I didn’t want to start anything until I’d finished… um, something else I had.” So Jim had tried to keep their relationship a secret from Spock’s counterpart. There was something very endearing about that.

“He was already aware of our relation.” Spock tells him.

“Yeah, now I know.” Jim huffs, smiling. “You guys really… I don’t even want to know how that conversation went.”

“Perhaps that is for the best.” Spock agrees, which elicits a rumbling laugh from Jim.

“The thing is, I didn’t want to start a relationship with Spock— my Spock— until I had a chance to talk to you about it. I wanted to tell you in person, not over text or vidcall like a dick.”

Spock’s lips quirk into a smile. It was fascinating to see how Jim was still so noble when it came to circumstances like this. 

There’s a large part of Spock that feels heartbroken at losing Jim all over again now that he has him, but he is grateful his counterpart gets to live out the dream he never got. It would be his reality.

“I appreciate the effort, Jim. You have my blessing to begin courting one another.” Jim snorts at this. Spock turns to look at him “You doubtlessly deserve each other.”

Jim comes to a stop. He wet his lips, looking as if he were gearing up say something. Spock comes to a halt next to him and waits.

“Your Jim.” Jim begins. “I… I truly believe he loved you.” Spock drops his gaze, but Jim immediately tilts his chin back up. Still, Spock keeps his eyes down. “Hey, look at me.” Spock looks up, and is met with Jim’s clear, blue eyes. They’re so different from his Jim’s deep, hazel ones, but the conviction in them is the same. 

“I believe he loved you deeply. I really do. Because I love you. So much. And I can’t imagine a universe where you and I meet, and I don’t fall so madly in love with you that it drives me damn near crazy. In no universe should S’Chn T’Gai Spock be without his Jim Kirk.”

Spock gives Jim a wet smile. “You have learned how to pronounce my name.”

“I did it just for you.” He says, and places a chaste kiss on Spock’s forehead.

*

Once more, the time has come for the _Enterprise_ crew to depart and return to their starship. Spock is at the scene as always, though it is not required of him to be present.

Jim approaches him, and Spock raises his hand in the _ta’al_. Jim returns it with a wistful smile, then bows and heads for the transporter pad. In his place, his younger counterpart steps up. The two of them stare at each other for a short while, and then his younger self offers Spock the _ta’al_.

“Thank you.” He says.

Spock returns the ta’al. “Love him strong. Love him for the both of us.”

His counterpart nods once, and then leaves.

Spock watches the two of them standing on the transporter pad, looking like two puzzle pieces that have finally slid together. In Spock’s heart, his place is always beside Jim, and he is glad that they have found each other.

Jim takes his comm from his belt and speaks into it. “Enterprise, beam us up.”

As Spock watches the crew de-materialise before his very eyes, he can’t help but wonder. If he had taken the chance with his Jim, if he had thrown caution to the wind, if he had put aside his own insecurities and fear of being rejected, what could have been?

**Author's Note:**

> I have a serious obsession with the double pining that always comes with Spock Prime x AOS!Jim fics, so I wrote one :'D 
> 
> Hope it's to your liking guys, and as always thanks for giving the fic a read :) Much appreciated!


End file.
